Do it without me, do it when it's wrong - right as I want you, right as you run.

I am imagining a public area, like a park, where people are supposed to loiter, a public loitering place where you go when you are about to be in deep shit or are already in it or you have had the best fucking day of your whole fucking life and you are too afraid to keep moving forward because that means going back to reality so you just park or walk or sob over there and sit and think and do whatever it is your emotions are telling you to do that isn't rape or murder or whatever and there will be glass bottles you can smash for free and cars you can hit with hammers and flowers you can put in your hair and arts and crafts and cigarettes and coffee and alcohol and other vices and nobody will tell you that it will kill you and you can wear whatever the fuck you want or go naked and jump in the lake with all of your heaviest winter coats or your birthday suit. There will be stations where you can write angry emails that will never be sent and recorded bitter voicemails or sound bites, words that can be taken back and back and back.

I want this place, I want to be able to feel something sans restraint or control or law or looks or ladylikeness or fear of reputational damages. I want to dump a cup of coffee on the head of a mannequin that looks like her, want to blast music that I secretly love even though I will apologize and laugh when it comes on in the car, want to litter on one of the seven wonders of the world with the world watching, sigh a lot and hold my head in my hands as if in a film and maybe even have sex with a beautiful stranger with no strings attached (except no, really, there aren't) and spend an entire fake paycheck on whatever the fuck I want, retail therapy. I want to be able to tell my parents, my teachers, peers, friends, everyone what they did wrong and give them suggestions for better results. I want to have a responsibility box or cubby where everyone can deposit and dump all of their bullshit hangups and hardships for a little while and lose themselves in a truly free world. I want to make money for being me, for having opinions and sass and charisma and my inability to ask for help and my stubborn avoidance tactics and need for physical affection and quality time and affirmation. I want to have reached the "potential" everyone always said I wasn't living up to. But mostly, I just want to pee right now and be held and kissed by someone who doesn't judge me or know me yet.

It's always better before they do.